Waiting for the proverbial cake!

So, it has taken me a little bit of time to sit down and put a season report together – to be fair, it normally does. I always have grand ambitions of getting things wrapped up as soon as I get home, but that rarely happens, largely due to the fact that it takes a considerable length of time for me to be able to remove myself from the intensity that is the race season and lift my head up, shake off emotion and see the last 6 months in a narratable, comprehensible format. But here we are, on the 29th of May, three weeks deep into training for next season and I think I’ve just about got to grips with the season that has passed. A season where I straight up found the proof that I have been looking for in my skiing for my entire career, just didn’t (it seems) know exactly what to do with it, or where to put it, until now.

The race season started in usual fashion, at a World Cup deep within the Arctic circle in Levi, Finland – and God, was it joyous to get there. I won’t go much further into the continuous funding black cloud that follows Alpine Skiing with every step forward, rather than acknowledge that it exists and that it had been raining down with furore for the entirety of pre-season, so to make it to Levi, with new partners on board felt like a miracle (Thank you to everyone involved – you know who you are)! Furthermore, with the departure of black cloud senior - the covid pandemic, I was able to train day after day with my fellow competitors, socialise and have real-life, face to face conversations without the anxiety and isolation that travelling over the last couple of seasons had brought us. Gloriously, I was back living moments that reminded me of why I ski race and the joy that I get out of being a ski racer.

Given my headspace at that moment in time, what came next was probably not anomalous, and anyone with any insight into pop psych could tell you – good stuff was coming: Green lights, a ninth place after first run (my current PB is a 13th) and going toe to toe with the absolute GOAT of skiing, Mikaela Shiffrin. I was bringing out training and race runs that put me at the top of my game, showing that the long months of summer training were pushing me on an upwards trajectory. Sadly though, double DNF’s (Did Not Finish) thanks to a straddle and a rather slightly ambitious line off of the Levi pitch into the final flat ended my party for both races. In the moment of that second DNF (watch here), I was of course gutted, furious, and feeling every emotion in between, but not a tear was shed and outshining that was the knowledge that I had just shown the World but more importantly, myself, what I was capable of. I walked away from the mountain knowing that all was good and that I had the whole season ahead of me to just put that skiing down.

Except I didn’t.

The next stop of the tour was Killington in the USA. I ended up totally inside my own head; I made it 50% of the way down before my mindset switched from attack mode to defence to ensure I made the finish – no result. Then Sestriere, Italy rolled in, where the side effects of my autoimmune disorder (Palindromic Rheumatism) reared their heads and coupled with uncertainty around snow conditions and equipment, saw another lacklustre performance - no result. By this time, frustration and self-induced pressure was high, but a focussed chunk of time to train gave me a chance to reset and eventually pull in some points in Semmering, Austria just after Christmas. It was not a result I was aiming for, but the build back to performance had to start somewhere, and this felt like a decent foothold to get going with. However, whilst training in Maria Alm, Austria on New Years eve, I sent myself flying through the air in pursuit of finally banishing the demons that had been holding me back since Levi. Before a single firework had hit the sky, I was sitting on a sofa with a glass of prosecco in my only functioning hand, a Grade 3 AC Joint dislocation (read: A collarbone that was no longer held down to my shoulder) and huge question marks over the rest of the season.

I rehabbed and made it back with some great skiing in training, but again, race performances continued in a similar vein with which I left off – either I was too cautious, or I gave too much intensity which led to mistakes. This unsettling vibe just clung on – all the way until the last race of the season where two balanced, normal, confident runs came out to play (perhaps it was because I knew it was my last chance? A looming deadline? Who knows.) and I managed to grab the German slalom title ahead of World Cup Winner, Lena Duerr. Just like that, the season wrapped up with the same calibre of racing that it started with … WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED.

I’ve been reflecting for well over a month, and as someone who is a chronic self-doubter, quite the revelation has slunk its way into my narrative. I didn’t achieve any of the results that I wanted this season, yet I can wholeheartedly say, I have never been as certain in my ability and future as I am now. I have proudly been able to file season 22/23 away as a personal win, knowing that the goals my team and I are building towards are powerful, and honestly, they feel that close that it makes me feel giddy.

Our ultimate goal is to be on the podium on the World Cup tour, and this feeling of confidence in the work that we have done and the direction in which we are travelling is not something that you just stumble across. I remember finishing season 18/19 and writing about how confidence is earned through resilience as a result of keeping a foot in on challenging situations. This present surety is the sum of a whole heap of extremely uncomfortable moments from the last twelve months, paired with a team and a host of supporters that are standing by my side and lifting me up through each high and low that we encounter.

So, this past season may look a little dull on paper, but it is anything but - it is a hugely exciting steppingstone. It has all been about mindset, and bear with me, but perhaps experience (as I approach the completion of my third decade) really is talking, and sensibly at that (?), realising that the significant challenges I have faced in my career so far have equipped me with the resilience and tools that I need progress now. I know that this is a moment of growth, and I cannot force the timeline. So instead, my overriding take home is that now is the moment where I need to dig deep, remain calm and keep patiently working hard in the shadows with the knowledge that my time is coming. If the proof really is in the pudding as they say, it appears that I’ve got the proof and need to leave it exactly where it is. Just wait a little longer for the cake to rise with it.